It was surprising for me to read the journal during the illness.
In many ways nothing really changed for R.M. The fact of her disease,
the torturous treatments, the fear only added to her life.
She continued to be active in various groups, Adult Children of
Alcoholics, Dream Groups, Cancer Support, Prayer Groups-- both
as leader and participant. The disease was tackled the same way
she tackled her childhood memories, her healing of family pain
and hurt. She utilized all sorts of techniques-- biofeedback,
group therapy, meditation, creative visualization, special diets--
in addition to all that modern medical science could offer.
The journal entries continued the same: concerns for others, for
social justice, back and forth feelings for others. As she sometimes
procrastinated with her art so too with er exercises. Nothing
was taken away with the cancer diagnoses-- things were added to
her life. In the end she had touched countless others. Her own
search for more and better life and relationships encouraged and
strengthened others. In her last days there were many teary encounters
as people said goodbye. She was told over and over by many people
how important her love, concern, compassion and understanding
had been for them. How she had touched their lives in positive
ways.
From the journal:
L. brought Simonton book. As I read it I'm filled with excitement,
hope, a burning within to get well- to be healed!
I am tired/exhausted/shaky-- pressure under ribs scares me!
I do my Inner work-- also a dialogue with a great Shining Deer
(healer within)
This day I experience deep healing of fear (from ascites!)
due partially to exercise I believe!!
C. at bedtime prayer: "We might plan a retreat for cancer
patients- we should reach out" I agree
this day... during meditation... I heard a tiny voice say:
"you will not die of ovarian cancer. you will die "on
your feet" serving me" Ah. I said "Is this wishful
thinking?" But it seemed to come deep within ...(I have contacted
the healer within- the Shining Deer... and dialogued with him
I examine something new-- (attitude) when our children are
here... I'm anxious for them to leave... the bittersweet pain
too deep to bear (as if its easier just not to be around) Simontons:
this signals withdrawal-- a giving up... this is the opposite
of love and hope... and I will pray and work on this!
I feel really good about exercising- it seems to bring a release
from powerlessness.
I do believe more and more deeply that it was the voice of
God (last week) that said "I would not die of ovarian cancer--
but die on my feet-- serving GOD!! this is precious and gives
me great joy and hope!!
meditation- the Shining Deer tells me to listen to body. Hildegarde
of Bingen appears by deer. Then to open her book.. I do and am
stunned at reading-- it has to do with a deer!!
the book "Control of Cancer Diet and Immune Treatment"
to me it was frightening/sobering as its so against chemo and
radiology YET it did say ovarian cancer does respond to traditional
treatment. As I read many case histories I see how fast they spread
I realized how really precarious my situation is!! Yet the diet--
mostly vegetable and fruit- very stringent- but hopeful! maybe
a modified diet
I'm re-reading "The Will to Live"
Lord: "you will be healed! But you will need to change
and accept attitudes. Fears of inadequate retirement-- must be
transformed. A new of life called for!!!
she leans over at one point- pats my arm and exclaims: "How
I envy you!" (with my prognosis and all) and its true! --I
have serenity: "Remember the Promises"
Seigel's book: he said: for some reason this work does not
bring healing to all. this was a relief-- it takes some of burden
off me-- all rests in God's hands. Very powerful-- the ending-
on death, gave me some more peace. I did some more facing possibilities
of death in near future (tho my deepest hope is for 10 more years--
to help prepare my beloveds and serve!!!)
Lord- I surrender all the possibilities to you. I will work
very hard to preserve my life- to bring healing to my body- to
my relationships- to my community. How I yearn to know love and
give it away- to be an Instrument of Peace in your world, to flow
in harmony with the universe.
Eucharist-- I think of it as spiritual chemotherapy and am
excited as I realize I've already incorporated the symbols into
my healing
This day I begin deeper more intense meditation (my own) 2
long ones and brief "breathing deep" during day. I end
with the cancer chemo imagery. I noticed how it relieved that
deep place of sadness or fears (my insecurities etc.) This is
a powerful tool!
Reading "Rolling Thunder" it moves me deeply!! Many
possibilities float by- I feel led to use more Indian methods
of healing-- use "in my own way/devise my own methods in
harmony with creation"
I decide I probably cannot afford both group and biofeedback.
I decide to call B. and J. and let them know. Fortunately they
aren't there. call to E.R. to settle matter and find- lo and behold
the group will be very reasonable and I can do both!!!
I realize this has probably metastasized to liver. I work on
it in meditation
R.M. was not a "special" person if by that we mean that
she was somehow different from most people. What she did with
her life is available to anyone with the courage to face limits
and push against them. Often we don't have the tools we need to
both recognize and respond to boundaries and limits in our lives.
No one is born with, or automatically receives such tools. Certainly
R.M. wasn't. However, she took charge of her own life. She actively
sought out the people and ideas that could help her.
First of all, she read. Something most of us do not do, or if
we do we read only for escapist entertainment. R.M. read for knowledge
and understanding. She was quite familiar with Jungian psychology.
Though a Catholic Christian she read books by Bhuddists. She read
about Native American medicine, natural healing and even some
"new age" materials. She collected tools that helped
her in her encounter with everyday limits-guided meditation/visualization,
a very active prayer life based on the rosary, contemplation of
nature's beauty, and of course her own creative artistic pursuits.
R.M. was wise in that she knew that all of us need to grow, to
change, to heal. She availed herself of other people's insight,
kindness and support, and returned those gifts to others. She
looked everywhere for insight into life.
Well, you might think, that's just great, but it doesn't seem
like R.M. had any real problems. Who doesn't have to deal
with their mother, their spouse, their dreams? This is true, but
most of us do not deal with these issues because we are
in the denial of death. If you knew you would die next month how
would your relationships and activities change? Would you make
amends with people you have hurt? Could you forgive those who
hurt you? Would you finally do those things you've always really
wanted to do? Or would you give up, lay down and die? How do we
know that R.M. was truly breaking through her denial of death?
Were her qualities actually symptoms of this process? R.M. did
come face to face with the ultimate boundary of death.
From the journal:
"this day-AH the Great Journey begins alone for me! To Hospital at 11-back and forth-machines break down etc. Finally, the SCANNERS, a hard (for me) session totally enclosed in magnetic resonator (2 hour first time-later, 2 sessions 20 minutes each) (first time it broke down!) (I told them I was claustrophobic but Dr. N. persuaded me to "try" it.
TROUBLE-when we arrived B. was called by radiologist-then S. announced anxiously that BB. Was "on his way over!". She teary-I said "this is probably BAD NEWS-
BB. has very bad news-not only a large tumor of pelvis, but entwined around aorta and probably inoperable! I'm frozen in space.
S. devastated, B. shocked!
I call my beloved and say: "I only have a few minutes
and I'll call as soon as we get back-but there is a tumor"
I couldn't bear to tell him all at once
an acceptance of this whole terrible process- ahead- at the
Medical Center seems to be falling into place-perhaps the big
dream of my journeying alone to a far distant place is what this
is about! At times-I seem paradoxically to reach my arms out to
embrace it-"to get on with my burning" as T.S. Elliot
quotes Virgil in Dante's Pergatorio. I know it is a true agony
in the Garden- and my knees shake- my stomach churns- I break
out into a cold sweat as I contemplate it!!!
What can I say? The surgery and aftermath seem so terrible
Dearest Abba,
I'm becoming more and more aware these past 3 days of the possibility of not being "healed" by chemo etc. YET- I know the great value of the Simonton work and I choose to go on-living hopefully and committing myself to recovery
Oh Lord- I ask the great favor: PLEASE- not extended stays
in hospital again. PLEASE- no surgery. PLEASE let the process
of dying be brief and OH! Dearest Jesus- let me die lovingly at
home with my dear ones with me. Oh Lord- let me accept the inevitability
of my death- so that I may get on with living fully and abundantly!
Alas- I pick up book on gyn cancer- and my kind is so low on
totem pole for survival that it chilled me- BUT book probably
written in 1981 again IT HAD SOBERING EFFECT
wash hair IT IS REALLY FALLING OUT!! It has begun!
I awaken 5 or 5:30-throw up contents of supper then feel OK.
Still "knocked out" from all the drugs- don't remember
much about getting dressed or details of going home-I slept most
of day- really knocked out!!! I hear phones but just can't get
up.
I read Newsweek-it reviewing a story of a valiant woman's struggle
with cancer-18 months-then death. A picture of her combing thing
auburn hair-it saddened and grieved me and put a damper on my
day
Dear Father;
I am frightened and scared. Yet I know your plans for me are
good. I know "the Promise"-that I will be active up
until the end-whenever that is! Please increase my faith-and my
joy.
The cystitis has put a damper on things-I realize it has occurred
twice after exercise in 2 days. I'm afraid to exercise for awhile
I awakened heavy hearted-discomfort/fullness in stomach-I think-
in quiet despair that the tumor has spread and I will die
Dear Lord- please help me-heal the cystitis, otherwise I won't
be able to continue the treatments. Lord to R.M. "Don't be
afraid. It will all work out"
It is strange-I rarely weep anymore!! It seems all energies
devoted to getting well !! Right now-(past several days) I have
an uncanny serenity. I can contemplate my death without terrible
anxiety (the death process that is) I feel- perhaps- that the
tumor is growing rapidly- under right ribs- (let me not be negative
Lord!) and maybe into bladder (All these symptoms!)
Lord Jesus
I thank you for peace that comes in the midst of symptoms (tho
not severe can induce fear) I thank you for the vision of the
"shining deer" (in meditation) which simply stated "come-
be filled with the Spirit". I thank you that much acceptance
has come. I can face the fact- with some serenity- that I may
die soon. This day- I surrendered my life to you whenever you
call. I remember the Promise- that I will be active and in ministry
(on my feet) until the end. Thank you for your beautiful creation-
my life- those I love.
I do find it frustrating- at times- to hear over and over "you
are wonderful- you will be healed!" My stomach hurts this
day!!
Pain in stomach--- of course--- underlying this the fear of
fast spreading cancer.
comedy of errors begins
don't get hydration started til 8-chemo begins at midnight-I'm
wide awake all nite-they did the stuff one after another (changed
I.V. in middle of nite) so that last cytoxin (big gun) was to
be given 8am-12pm (no medication for nausea etc. by then) began
throwing up after and rest of day
this day marked by throwing up everything tho nausea not bad.
What to do? We get new medication. What does this mean about possible
kidney and bladder damage?
Dear Lord
I feel desperate at times. You are so far away these days-of
nausea and listlessness. It seems so long since I've felt your
presence- perhaps this is the "presence of absence"-
I don't know. Please help me to pray again-to feel love again-to
feel emotions! I feel drained, dry, devoid of energy and feelings.
Oh Lord. Come to my aching being! My future seems so bleak! Do
I only have pain and suffering ahead? I bless you- I beg your
mercy. Bring me to life again Lord! Give me hope and healing for
each day as you promised.
I feel so helpless and hopeless at this time!!!
I need to get to the dentist, but can't open mouth and have
stuff put in due to nausea. God help me.
Dear Lord-
I feel at this time to even consider surgery is ridiculous.
I face months of bleakness and symptoms. There is no guarantee
any of this will lengthen life-why subject myself? Please lead
me Lord.
Oh Lord- help me to live a day at a time-REALISTICALLY-oh let
me see the beauty of your universe- our beloved family- help me
to enjoy and cherish them all the more! Above all- help me to
stay alive to be there for C.-if that is your will!!!
I awaken with the pressure and tightness in abdomen. The psychic
pain within me is so deep-the ache of sorrow always there
the tightness seems intensified-I tense up-can't sleep-grief
and despair -will this slowly intensify-helplessness overwhelms
me-dread of tomorrow-what I will find out.
alas- I awaken burdened with all kinds of fears. I just felt
weakened- my faith LOW- I realized I need to learn the 23rd psalm.
she burst into tears and said she cannot bear the pain of seeing
me suffer on top of losing her mom. That she just can't be around
me for awhile. She weeping-I understood and consoled her. I encourage
her to weep and talk about it.
Beloved C. is becoming so gentle, so tender that my heart aches. Yet I know I'm changing too-the importance of deep love and time together-we are giving priority to!!
Lord, I'm scared. Its scary to decide to love with no holds
barred. I know I've always held back a bit but now I've made the
decision to love whole-heartedly-and to try and deal with my fears.
Help me Lord! My legs are shaky. My faith seems wanting. I'm
walking a new path. It would be so easy to give up-but you are
calling forth courage and a new way of living-in the very face
of death. You are calling me (the insecure one) to live securely
in your love and trust! How can I do this? Only with my hand in
yours. I give you my life- my all. I yearn to live in new creative,
courageous ways!!!
wash hair. It is getting very thin. Ugh.
wild storm- high winds- crashing- lightening- heavy rains
I have an IMAGE of little group in the small room and the room was an ark-- tossing thru great stormy seas.
In the late evening-- I walk-up and down- saying Rosary- thinking
deeply…. on life…. our children.... I pray for patients
here.... so much suffering on my floor alone.... I'm aware of
how I'm "unable" to save anyone by love or by prayer...
all I can do is to simply love and care and which ever way that
works only God knows. I felt myself (walking the floors of this
great institution) as a tiny light just being.... this gave me
peace.... I did not have to strive for any kind of results. ...and
again... the letting go... slowly, sadly...
R.M.'s last entry was a dream:
"Escaping the Enemy"
thru a series of clever/incredible feats I manage to escape my captors (Mafia types). I wanted to bring 2 young women out, but they didn't want to try.
Hurricane coming-- I make plans to evacuate.
About four weeks later R.M. died.