R.M.'s use of imaginative thinking was not confined only to her
night-time dreams. She practiced meditation, prayer and creative
visualization-what we might call "waking dreams"-all
of which were also utilized in an imaginatively creative way.
In R.M.'s situation this creative work was, of course, largely
related to her experience of illness. Illness though, is representative
of the experience of boundary and limit that we all experience
everyday. Because of this, R.M.'s experiences are not remote from
our own lives.
Robert Jay Lifton is of the opinion that dreams have a "propulsive"
or "evolutionary" function. In a simple sense, what
he means by this is that dreams can have the power to change or
effect our lives in a positive sense. Certainly this is evident
in R.M.'s night-time dreams, but it is even more evident in her
waking dreams. This is most powerfully illustrated by what R.M.
refers to as "The Promise".
One day, after her diagnoses, R.M. was in meditation when she
had what might be called a "transpersonal" experience.
She felt a conviction that she "will die on your feet, serving
Me". R.M. was a devout Catholic and was active in service
to others. This conviction "The Promise" provided, and
was used by her to help maintain hope. Now at first glance this
may appear to be a rather poignant delusion of a dying woman.
It was not. It served a propulsive, evolutionary function in her
life. At first she seems to take The Promise quite literally.
It is unclear if, at the very first, she took this to mean she
would be totally healed. She definitely took it to mean that she
would not have to endure a long bed-ridden confinement.
Whenever her physical or emotional pain became severe she would
"REMEMBER THE PROMISE". This not only helped her respond
to her pain and anguish, but acted as a motivating force to search
out and utilize diverse healing techniques. The Promise helped
her persist through those techniques. The meaning of The Promise
subtly changed over the months. At first the primary meaning was
"you will not be bedridden". It gradually changed to
"you will be able to serve Me until your death". R.M.,
always quite other-centered, became even more so. She writes of
a "burning desire to serve". Now people will often "serve"
others in order to avoid their own problems. This was most assuredly
not the case with R.M.
There is no indication that her awareness of her own subjective
pain and anguish diminished. R.M. was aware of her need to set
boundaries. She took care not to over-extend herself-to not have
her "finger in too many pots". For instance, though
she was deeply concerned about and compassionate towards the plight
of the homeless she did not become directly involved in service
to them. She had her cancer and Adult Children of Alcoholics groups.
She gave what time, energy, insight and caring she could reasonably
afford.
Another major propulsive or evolutionary waking dream for R.M.
was that of a "Shining Deer" elicited during guided
visualization. This recurring image provided her with a degree
of comfort, hope and dare we say companionship? We may be tempted
to think that such images and convictions aren't "real",
but they are. Lifton is correct. Our dreams, insights, intuitions
and convictions have great power to alter our perceptions and
our behaviors. Our subjective experiences are no less real than
our objective experiences. Our subjective life is not somehow
less equal than the other three main areas of our lives: physical,
social and spiritual.
UNIQUENESS
When we fail to trust our subjective experiences we are in danger
of losing not only some of our greatest gifts, but our own uniqueness.
It takes a hero's courage to acknowledge and trust our inner "voice".
We may often find ourselves at odds with prevailing social norms.
Social norms often encourage a "leveling" of its members.
People tend to conform in ways that are neither healthy nor conducive
to human fulfillment. We often hear about the "fear of success".
This is a symptom of society's ability to "level" its
members. It takes courage to be exceptional, to follow the inner
call, to trod your won unique path during life's journey. R.M.
had that courage.
Through a combination of genetics and conditioning we develop
within ourselves certain unique gifts, talents, and qualities
that make us who we are as unique individuals. One person is a
dancer, the other a plumber. One person is interested in cooking,
the other in English literature. The extent to which we are aware
of and follow this inner prompting is the measure of what Adrian
van Kaam calls congeniality. Many people have been taught
not to trust these inner promptings. Some have been pressured
to ignore them. An example would be the person who caves into
pressure to enter the family accounting business when she really
wants to be a marine biologist. Our cultural values are often
followed at the expense of our congeniality.
This inner directedness is a guide to a more fulfilling life.
When we lack congeniality we ignore this inner direction. As a
consequence we may never know who we most deeply are. We may even
learn to devalue ourselves because our inner uniqueness is not
valued by our social and cultural milieu-this can lead to self-hate.
R.M. certainly had regrets, but they did not lead her to hate
herself. Her religion taught her to trust the "still, small
voice within". Because of this basic trust she was able to
face head-on her regrets and fears-and transcend them. When we
encounter boundary and limit in our life it is a call to change,
a call for transcendence. This call can produce its own kind of
fear and trepidation. It is easier to remain in the comfort of
the familiar even if the familiar results in ill health or a lack
of fulfillment. It is easier to give in to the forces of entropy
and inertia then to muster the energy and courage to change. This
is especially true in relation our own uniqueness or "life
call".
The word "vocation" is often associated only with religious
careers. This is unfortunate. We all have a vocation by virtue
of our uniqueness. R.M. seems to have realized this. Her vocation
was a combination of her artistic pursuits and her call to compassionate
service. Both expressed who she was. Both provided her
with great joy. The embodiment of her congeniality was not always
easy as we have seen with her efforts to get started painting,
yet she persisted. She was aware that to ignore her unique life
call would be to deny herself a fulfilling life.
LOVE AND COMPASSION
heroes are not afraid to love. Ah! You say, I am not afraid
to love! If only I had someone to love. If only someone would
love me then I could love them. If only I could meet the
right person. If only my spouse would change. If only my girlfriend
would listen to me and do what I say. If only my husband wouldn't
snore. It is easy to love a perfect person, but who is perfect?
We are afraid to love people when they are imperfect, when they
are not quite what we like or want. So we make it easy to divorce,
this way we can keep searching for someone perfect. Only people
in denial of death get divorced and remarried over and over again.
Why? Because they deny their own impending doom they think that
the search can continue forever. Eventually they'll find the right
one.
Heroes know that death stalks each of us. They know the fear we
all live with. They know how deeply vulnerable and easily injured,
emotionally and physically, people are. They do not need perfection's
empty promise. They have compassion. Compassion means "to
suffer with". It is the capacity to empathize with others,
to see another's view, to "walk a mile in their shoes".
Compassion is directed both towards others and one's self. By
compassionately recognizing our own vulnerability and hurts we
are enabled to relate to others with sensitivity to their
vulnerability and suffering. A love relationship can only rest
on compassion.
Compassion also relates to our ability to forgive. For instance,
your spouse may have disappointed you dreadfully, but compassion
allows us to let go of the anger, pain and bitterness. While we
don't approve of what they may have done we gain understanding
of their own pain that resulted in cruelty. We are then free to
forgive and continue with our quest for health and growth. Forgiveness
though is much more than some elusive quality called into use
when faced with "big" hurts or disappointments. It is
called into use everyday. The disgusting belch, the cranky attitude,
the dirty dish all call for forgiveness. It is in the little things
that compassion is brought forth out of the hero. When the hero
forgives it is not in any sticky-sweet, goody-goody maudlin sense
of the word. The hero recognizes the deep ambivalence within each
of us. She can accept mixed feelings as being part and parcel
of human life. Forgiveness comes in recognizing and accepting
this reality. An imperfect, but loving reality.
From the journal:
I felt anger when receiving letter-my parents suggested you
might be "willing to donate"-both parents too busy to
write-too busy to see us… yet they will refer hand out seekers
to us! SHOULD I not reply to P.? Do I punish him by withholding
money-because of his "using people" father? Pray (I
forgave and sent money)
M. drives me up the wall- poor fellow-super hyper critical…
running commentary/shouting on phone/talking too fast… WOUND
UP… a typical ego-centered…. Alas
God… I feel BAD… but L.-arouses some caring-but a
LOT of HOSTILITY in me-yet she drones on, flat voice, terribly
self-centered… sure only SHE knows best… Next time-I
need to put boundaries around my time.
A husband is dear to me- a companion and lover
I spend time visiting with C…. (after dream of hostility!)…
figuring- HE IS WORTH IT!!!
C. has played golf with B. …come in to pick me up- we
dash by M.'s- all gone- C. says B. has given them directions to
J.'s-(the USUAL)-we wander the area 1 hour frantically looking-dear
M. to be there( my heart aching to miss them!) Finally we give
up- I'm angry/frustrated at 2 laconic men casually discussing
all this!
C. snores so-I end up sleeping lightly-sleep 12pm up at 5 C.
snoring LOUDLY!
C. sleeps in other room so I can get a good nite's sleep!
A husband beloved; companion on journey A spouse-my soul partner!
C. beloved-works tail off- sewed carpet together on deck. I
go up to "help" a few minutes-much laughter. A happy
memory- much joy- teasing- and we gaze at beautiful sunset.
C. works on deck 5 or 6 hours till 11:00-It looks wonderful.
My prayer for C. to become free of his obsessions- T.V. etc.
(I am also judgmental- so be careful here. I am his "enabler"
in this whole process
Argument- Anger with C. He went out to plant seeds and his
study disgustingly messy-AWFUL-I confronted him (had asked him
to do it Fri. nite- he got angry saying "I never tell him
anything"- I countered with "yes- I had"- he: "well
you didn't tell me WHY!!" I said: children would be sleeping
in there! He- dangerous voice- "OH IS MY STUDY GOING TO BE
THE GUEST ROOM?" He very sulky as he does it-of course (its
all my fault- as usual)
C. in- with flowers (he so enthused now- about gardening has
planted seeds etc.
C. and I spend time in prayer and 15 minutes meditation
C. and I to store-home by 3-he out in yard- HE LOVES IT SO
C. out in patio meditating-among his flowers-he is becoming
quite a gardener. We pray. He tells a dream. We discussed things.
C. home-DISTANCE again-
Beloved C. arrives-Ah- I stand at door- my heart too full of
love, compassion and tears and finally the long moment as I look
into his eyes and we enclose each other. Ah! What warmth/love.
I feel his strength flow- his powerful love seems to restore my
drooping spirits-Ah beloved husband!