How many dreams die on the vine-never to be plucked and savored?
How many lives are full of regret? Regret of lost chances, opportunities
never accepted, risks never taken because of the fear of the journey
that is the life process? Dreams die because of a lack of the
hero's courage. When we deny death we live in a "false"
present moment. It is a present that deep down we think will never
change, will never leave. Not true! It will be gone! If you do
not act today then when? The present moment is a moment of the
small accomplishment-not the great feat. "A journey of a
thousand miles…." The hero in some way realizes this.
Life is not maintained or lived to its fullest being passive,
or numb. This is the attitude that develops out of the denial
of death. Yet death captures even the person who, through complacency,
does not engage life in all of its pain and ambiguity. Life can
become a living death if we fail to choose active involvement
in being a creator of self. Life is not maintained in retreat-death
will only chase, capture and devour.
If we have the courage to look at our own lives as they really
are we find at the root of our behaviors and lifestyles the denial
of death. If we are truly courageous we will face our fear and
terror and cut through the denial. In this way we come face-to-face
with the foundation of human reality. We can begin to truly grow
in a distinctively human way rather than mimic parrot-like the
meanings and values unreflectively incorporated from our society.
We will no longer be able to fool ourselves into a false complacency
by making heroes out of sports or political figures. We will have
to discover the hero in ourselves. We do this by looking at those
who face boundary, limit, disease and death. Those who maintain
an affirmation of life, do not give into despair, who look death
in the face, turn and embrace life.
What kind of qualities might such a hero have? Well, if they have
worked at breaking through their denial of death they might very
much be aware of the importance of today being well lived.
Something along the lines of "Let today's sorrows be sufficient
for the day". If this is so, our hero might be aware of the
hold memories might have over our ability to enjoy the present
day. The role of memories in our decision-making and on our behaviors
is powerful. For instance, a woman who was sexually abused as
a child may, as an adult, have difficulties relating to men. She
is controlled by her memories. Strong and powerful memories are
able to limit the small degree of freedom we possess. However,
memories can also be used as a foundation from which we can grow.
The person who is open and accepting of their memories is able
to break their control over life. We talk of the "healing"
of memories…
From the journal:
My mother was very charming-to others.
My mother-so terrible, devouring.
My mother caused me grief and pain, alas.
My dear mother;
I want to thank you for your great courage-your love. I only
now have a glimmer of what your suffering must have been like-and
I ask deep forgiveness for having hurt you by my withdrawal from
you. Yes, our woundedness goes far, far back to the womb and to
past generations-but we did have time to discuss and pray about
that. Thanks be to Jesus. Oh Lord Jesus Christ-heal me, heal my
dearest little mother-she did not know how to cope-she did the
best she could.
Oh Lord Jesus Christ-let my mother know my loving forgiveness
and my asking forgiveness from her… bless and heal and make
whole my beloved, cherished mother and those with her.
We are told that those who do not remember the past are condemned
to repeat it. This is true not only of great historical events
but in our own family histories. Patterns begun three and four
generations ago can effect our lives today. Can keep us in denial.
Can keep us from living life today. We must, with the courage
of the hero face our own past. When we acknowledge and forgive
those who have hurt us then the power of that hurt is no more.
No one means to imply that this is easy. It takes work, but there
are countless organizations and people willing and wanting to
help. "But," you say, "I don't have the time, the
money." "I'll do it later." "Tonight is my
favorite show." A change is demanded if you are to be a hero.
A little taste of death, a little courage.
From the journal:
IDEA!! (J. and I.? NETWORK, NEWSLETTER… to those who are
interested in dreams, journaling, ACA [note: Adult Children of
Alcoholics] computerize the mailing list…
I was thinking rather sadly of B. and C. who always want so
much to learn about dreams-but can never make any meetings (same
as ACA).. and of course-and of COURSE- when I'm right there…
they always feel it is available.
Long call- C.S…. tho much over their head-they learned
some things! …I said "we didn't get back to the JOURNALING
would you like to gather again here and get more-YES-YES
C.S. called-the 3 want to do journaling for ACA so I said:
here, once a month!
Call to J. Long one… full of interesting tidbits…
yes she will do a presentation for ACA retreat
call to T. yea! She will come to workshop.
DREAM GROUP AT 10… I was forceful in letting them R. M.
and B. know how I felt about the Dec. meeting-"a powerful
learning experience".
It was a nice meeting-I was disorganized… and a few minutes
late!! Tho I had LOTS of stuff to share.
S.- important dream- she (defenses) breaking down.
This was fairly good… deep, deep, searching… I talked
a bit about dream-I stress the IMPORTANCE OF RELAXATION (to banish
negativity) we do brief relaxation exercise-a 20 minute time of
journaling-S. so tense she could not get into it!!!
Like everything else in the universe we are subject to the eroding
force of entropy. Entropy is what causes things to fall apart.
A star explodes, a faucet leaks, a person ages and dies. There
is a certain pull of inertia on everything in the universe. It
is this inertia that makes it difficult to get out of bed in the
morning. It is what makes it easier to watch the tube all night
rather than read that book you've been meaning to get to . Inertia
and entropy keep us from looking at the "big questions".
Keeps us from exploring the forces that manipulate us. Keep us
from getting the help that would make us just a little bit more
free, a little bit healthier, a little bit closer to fulfillment.
Inertia pulls at us all even when we fight against it. To recognize
this and accept it is true courage. Often we just give up and
quit trying-no matter how badly we wanted something-its easier
to just quit. Perhaps, when faced with inertia we simply say to
ourselves "Aw, I didn't really want it anyway." Without
the will there is no growth in health and freedom. To intend to
do something is not the same as doing it. This will is a collection
of qualities: concentration, determination, persistence, initiative,
and organization.
For example, a person is aware of a desire to paint or do some
other creative endeavor. She decides that this will give her joy
and happiness. She becomes determined to do something about it
and must take the initiative to take lessons or set up a studio
of some sort. She must organize time to paint and persist through
to the completed work. She does not remain in the mode of good
ideas, but has acted. The capacity and ease of acting upon
the good things you have thought of doing is the measure of your
will.
From the journal:
alas ceramics!… I thought: no way will I play these sick games with M. again. I'll simply walk out!!
Thank God I have painting!!!
I went upstairs this day to paint- but all I did was work on
paper sorting
I hope tomorrow to paint!
I'm up in studio- dully struggling to get it clean somewhat
so I can begin getting back into painting Resistance to painting
comes forth
This day, 3 sweet rolls, 2 ice creams; ALAS-eating as part
of nervousness-to avoid getting started painting!
IN STUDIO printing paper-just to get UNDERWAY-to get EXCITED
I go up and do minimal work-in studio-great RESISTANCES
Up till 12-piddling with art stuff
I avoid studio
I spend time upstairs-getting "underway"-sketching
design, trying out papers (-wonderful) new techniques!
A quiet day- I'm able to get some things done in studio-preparing
painting papers- (exciting itself!!)
I see where Picasso's ex wife paints 10-12 hours a day (she
a successful artist) a TERRIBLE DESIRE to do the same struck me!!
HOW LOVELY!
How glorious to PAINT interesting things!
My first BIG PAINTING begins to take shape I go SLOWLY CAREFULLY
letting it evolve gently JOY I start and work on other paintings
in process JOY
to opening of art exhibit G.H. so ecstatic over painting "Missions"
Buying it! A.D. wanted it also
The hero does not let the past manipulate the present. The hero
has courage to seek out those who can help, and helps those she
can. The hero recognizes and fights against ever-present inertia
and entropy. The hero acts. The traditional wartime hero knows
that to stand still on the battlefield is to invite death. The
hero facing death on the battlefield knows to always keep moving-no
matter how difficult, how scary. We ordinary heroes can learn
from this. Human life is dynamic, in flux, always in movement.
The means of our movement is through the reinterpretation of meaning.
R.M. displays what types of activities move us along on our journey
to greater balance. Activities such as active field thinking and
openness to events allow us to apprehend and elicit new meanings
out of our life experiences. This demands the development of qualities
we often associate with artists and other creative types of persons.
We too are called to be the artists of our lives. As we journey
through time we, in many ways, create ourselves. Rather than painted
pictures or sculpted marble we use our own life experiences. Remember,
we cannot be passive, we cannot give into the forces of entropy
and inertia that always produce a drag upon us. We must be active-looking
creatively at our past, our world, our experiences and excavate
them for meanings and insights.