R.M. was both an extraordinary and very ordinary woman. Her journal
of her illness begins before the diagnoses of her cancer. She
intended to share her illness journey with others. It is the chronicle
of her unique journey to wholeness.
Imagine how this writer felt. Bequeathed this two volume journal
by a woman now dead. A contemporary. Holding it is like holding
a life in my hands-- even more than a life-- a person's innermost
thoughts and feelings, her day to day activities. Phone calls
and letters received. Thoughts, feelings, dreams written during
the first waking moments of the day. The ink laid down by a living
hand. The writing sometimes large and hurried, sometimes small
and neat. Mixed feelings. The voyeur looking for titillation awakens
as does the searcher: what secrets of life will I uncover in this
woman's journey to death? Images of a grave somewhere in the United
States; fresh earth piled high, flowers and wreaths wilting, a
body decomposing, a family in mourning. The life of one unknown
woman.
Her journal details all aspects of her life. Phone calls made
and received. Love and aggravation. Fears and hopes. Daily occurrences
and nightly dreams. Before her actual diagnosis her dreams had
hinted of things to come. The first indication of her disease
was months before her diagnoses. A short entry in the margin:
"stomach ache after gumbo/lunch". An upset stomach
easily attributable to a spicy meal. In actuality mutant cells
growing wild. A dream of having cancer and the pain her dying
would cause her beloved husband, but it was "only" a
dream. Though too soon a reality.
R.M.'s journal though, is not about death, but about life
in every sense, shade and nuance of the word. It is the story,
to be sure, of a woman with a death sentence hanging over her
head. But don't we all have this sentence pronounced upon us the
moment of birth? The journal is a story of heroism. It is not
a heroism we can ignore or feel distant from because she had cancer
and we do not. We cannot read it in a detached way because she
is dead while we live. We cannot read it, put it on the shelf
and go about our daily life. "Oh! I read a great book!"
It is not fiction. It is an account of that isolated journey of
transformation of one woman. She was a contemporary. her life
is linked with others sharing our historical era. her life could
be relived in every city and village across the nation. it could
be the story of your mother, sister, daughter, wife or neighbor.
Her journal is your journal. In it we find the human experience
of life. It is honest. It was not written for anyone else but
herself even though towards the end of her life she made it known
her desire, if possible, to help people with it. R.M. in life,
as wee shall see, was always helping others---a quality that is
surviving her death.
R.M. had a difficult childhood. In addition to the pains and hurts
we all experience she was raised in a family with an alcoholic.
In many ways, she became her parents care-givers. As the oldest
child she rescued them from the consequences of their actions.
She suffered various forms of abuse common in such a dysfunctional
family: emotional, spiritual and physical.
She, by her own admission, was not always the best mother. Too
overprotective, too controlling, somewhat intrusive at times.
Her children have had some difficulty with her expectations for
them. She was quite aware of this. Even before her diagnoses she
spoke to a daughter about it. The greatest quality of R.M. was
courage and openness, both of which led to a great honesty with
herself. R.M. always actively sought health and fulfillment---even
when it was a painful search. She looked in all areas of her life:
physical, psychological, social and spiritual. She ignored nothing.
Would it sound strange to say she died a healthier woman than
when she was born?
We know from the findings of Freud and others that we are often
not free. We are often controlled and manipulated by our early
childhood experiences. We often bury them deep within our psychic
recesses. R.M. was quite honest about her own childhood pain and
also recognized how this effected her own children---how certain
cycles repeated generation to generation. She writes:
"My mother was very charming---to others." "My
mother so terrible, devouring." "My mother caused me
grief and pain, alas."
And yet, her mother "grew" much during the last
years; at the end she was "redeemed". R.M. paid
attention, in an honest way, to the lives that had gone before
her. She saw the ever-offered possibility of change and growth.
She recognized that human health and fulfillment is always
a possibility no matter what the person's past, present or future
may be. R.M. continued to learn, indeed actively seek new
knowledge and understanding throughout her life. In order to understand
her own past hurts, and how they effected her present life she
joined and eventually lead groups for Adult Children of Alcoholics.
Having discovered some freeing but of knowledge she was eager
to share it with others.
We cannot mistake this tendency in R.M.'s life however. She often
resisted people's intrusions in her life---even though she in
many ways invited them to intrude:
"God--I feel BAD--but L. arouses some caring--but A LOT OF HOSTILITY in me--she KNOWS ALL...yet she drones on, flat voice..."
"`urgent call' from L. (about a dream) I MAKE A DECISION NOT TO RUSH RETURNING CALL--I AM GETTING TIRED OF CALLS with `I had a dream'--and I care for L. dearly"
"J's great find---find it terribly superficial--BORING"
"M.D. IS BEING A COMPLETE TURD"
R.M. was no "saint" in the maudlin sense. Full of love
and care, yes, but very, very human.
R.M. was quite honest with her conflicting feelings--she was not
afraid of them as we so often are. She was very active as a group
and retreat leader. She was an avid reader in many areas and sought
to share her findings with others through she sometimes resented
these others who sought her help and leadership. Rather than ignoring
this ambivalence she accepted it as part of being human.
R.M. always followed her inner guide, her inner sense of what
was right. Of course this was illuminated by her constant search
for the knowledge and insight of others. About fifteen years before
her death she became involved in the Catholic Charismatic Renewal.
For a time she was quite fundamentalist, perhaps even judgmental.
But this did not feel "right" to her. She was always
open to change, and yet wondered if she went in the correct direction.
Fundamentalism is tempting--it has "the answers". At
one point she is doing some house cleaning--throwing out accumulated
papers:
"In throwing out papers (old) I come across an old Catholic
update warning about `denial of HELL'--it angers me I don't
read it all but toss it in trash! (a little fear surfaces--SUPPOSE
its true?)"
but then, weeks later the fear resurfaces:
"again I've given myself permission NOT
to go to Mass--on the run--it is OK (BUT SCARY) (what if
all these great experts wrong ON HELL AND DAMNATION?)"
R.M. was always ready and open to hear messages that might contradict
what she had been told or thought was true. She did it with her
parental memories and did it with her religion. She was always
willing and open to change--perhaps she thought that change was
the only constant of life. And she very much let life be her guide.
Change caused pain for R.M. and elicited great fear. She often
mentions the pain of her children being grown and living afar.
She very much feels their pain as they go through life and encounter
problems in careers and economic solvency, but there is never
the hint that she lectures or gives pat answers to their pain
as we are so prone to do--probably especially with our children.
She was afraid of being old and alone:
"must face the UNSPEAKABLE--THE PROSPECT--likelihood of a PAINFUL, POOR, OLD AGE...without dignity--unless we are very lucky!!"
"I look around--seeing familiar faces--worn by pain--many--I KNOW their STORIES...and HERE IS WHERE I BELONG! On this GOD-FORSAKEN ISLAND--with the people--I'll never be able to leave permanently: AND I WILL FACE MY GREATEST DREAD--to be ALONE in a town or city--old/alone--WITHOUT OUR CHILDREN, C." (her husband)
"the JOURNEY can be LONELY--DARK--seemingly into a
great VOID at times...YET I will be given FOOD & SHELTER
along the WAY!"
That last quote probably sums up the type of person R.M. was,
and what we can learn from her life--a life that is both extraordinary
and very ordinary. She was honest. She never denied or ran away
from her fears and doubts. She courageously acknowledged her deficits
and basic ambiguity. She knew she made mistakes (with her children
for instance), but she owned up to them. More importantly, she
was a seeker. She did not ignore the "big questions"
and she did not accept pat answers. All the above quotes are before
her cancer was diagnosed. She says she will received food and
shelter, but she never waited passively for these to be handed
to her. She actively sought out information and knowledge that
would help her in her journey--even though she knew that journey
could be leading to a great void. Realizing her parents were alcoholic
she joined Adult Children of Alcoholics. Recognizing her own pain
and hurt she reached out to others. Recognizing the essential
mystery of reality she spurned many tempting religious trappings
that would have provided a sense of security. Recognizing her
mistakes she sought to make amends with those she hurt. She was
never perfect, but she worked towards it.
R. M. had regrets, but this did not stop her from always re-beginning
her life now. She painted and worked with ceramics. She
expresses regret that she did not begin these hobbies sooner,
or that at times she let them slip. She brings us a message that
no matter what our age, our regrets, our deficiencies to always
pursue our dreams and desires. I am confident that R.M. would
fully subscribe to the notion that it is never to late. It is
never too late to grow, to overcome past abuses, to apologize,
to search, to grow, to dream, to love, to forgive.
R.M. loved gardens and plants. She loved the little animals that
would frolic on her lawn. She felt joy when someone in her ACOA
groups gained insight into their problems. She loved to paint
and sculpt. Her husband was a "companion and lover";
sex was "exquisite", her children were both joy and
pain to her--the essential ambiguous nature of human life. It
seems she liked Mexican food--she mentions it a few times. Indeed,
she was quite appreciative of a good meal! "Irangate"
disgusted her as did the "righteous right" of Reagan
and Falwell. A devout Catholic she was often angry at the Vatican
and the Pope. She knew how deeply divided she was--caring deeply
and also resenting others. She sometimes had problems getting
rid of colds and suffered at times from sinusitis. She was concerned
with social issues such as homelessness. Her concern was not of
the condescending rich, but of those who have genuine compassion.
She had economic problems herself:
"our financial assets so LOW--if C. were ill or incapacitated--we
would be thrust into POVERTY in 6 months!"
R.M. was courageous in the face of life's difficulties. Honest
with her ambivalence--her "not knowing". Honest with
others and herself. She knew intimately the essential mystery
of reality and maintained hope. She has given her life to all
of us.
R. M. very much lived the prayer "God, grant me the serenity
to change the things I can, accept the things I can't, and the
wisdom to know the difference."
R.M.'s journal is complex. She wrote in three main colors: green,
red and black. These represented dreams, reflections and prayers,
and actual occurrences. In her searching for "food and shelter"
she utilized everything. She studied Jungian dream work, was involved
in the Catholic Church and, as we have seen, Adult Children of
Alcoholics. The journal is so much more than an impersonal recitation
of daily events. It is more than egotistical ramblings. It is
very much a reflective journal. it is her search for the answers
to the "big" questions. It has pictures as well as prose.
It is because of her precision that we are able to find help for
our own lives. R.M. wrote sections that correspond to the four
main parts of life: physical, social, psychological and spiritual.
We are able to see the progress of her disease--even before it
was diagnosed--because of her dreams and comments upon her bodily
states. She mentions stomach aches (we know now it was cancer),
colds etc. We discover her rich social aspect through her family,
friends and paraprofessional acquaintances. We encounter, in a
way many husbands and wives never do, her own subjective experiences;
ambivalence, fear, doubts as well as love, dreams and hope. We
also encounter her spirituality as she writes prayers and talks
to her God. We find that her spirituality did not give her answers,
but strengthened her to find those answers herself. When feeling
most down, most hopeless, most afraid, R.M. turned to God. But
also her spirituality is evident in her greatest moments of hope
and joy. Her religion was not just imaginary compensation for
what she lacked, but was a real sharing with the mystery of life.
it expressed her connection to all of life; the good and the bad.
What is it specifically we learn from R.M.'s journal? Certainly
we learn from reading the details of her life, but what is more,
we learn from the general outline and themes that are applicable
to each one of us.